Let me confess. Pursuing Imperfectly Brave has made me fight my own giants; my giants of facing head on my sin – sin like pride and making much of my human self. Sins like control and feeling like I have to do it all – and I have to do it all RIGHT NOW. Anyone else every feel this way?
The writing world has become quite a maze. Get your message out there, but don’t trip and stumble over pride. Can I be honest? Pride and I struggle. Pride tastes like sand in my mouth. It is like being at a beach enjoying all of its beauty and buildng sandcastles in the ground. When you dig your hands into the sand, it is almost inevitable to bring some of the grit in your mouth – even when you are having the most fun. PRIDE. It is such a filthy sin. It’s no different than any other but it is like a knife ravaging my insides. I have to combat it constantly. I feel like David when he says —
“my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs on my head; my heart fails me.” psalm 40:12
As I keep pursuing Imperfectly Brave, pride bubbles and I whisper to God, “this doesn’t feel right.”
I tell Him, “I want to walk away from this all because it isn’t about me a mere human with silly human words. It is about You. I feel like I am getting in the way of You.” And when I say those words in His courts, I know that I can’t.
I know that I can’t walk away. I have nowhere to turn but back into God’s arms. An author I admire said it best. He haunts me. Not in a spooky way. But where would I go but God? So I run back into your Word. Go and make disciples. Go and tell them about me. Just go and let Me move.
And so I pray. I just pour my heart out to God.
Oh Lord, would you change my heart? Would you redefine success? It will only come from You. I want to be hidden in your message. I want to be hidden in your truth-telling. I hate the really big picture of me. It seems so silly. Hi, I am Whitney Putnam and I am ravaged with sin, but let me plaster my face where it shouldn’t….
Can you tell that I am wading through deep waters here?
In all this, I think about Isaiah and Jeremiah. They just kept speaking because of the message they had. John the Baptist did, too. The Word is chock-full of these people, they just weren’t faced with the technology we have out our fingertips now. I am sure they kept track in the sand or something. But really, a thumbs up and a smiley face to determine my worth? I simply can not. Not any more. Not ever.
Understand that it feels good to know people are reading my words. That the words are changing and stirring souls. It feels spirit kind of good. But all the other stuff, I want to throw into a trash dump and never let it resurface. I am like David heavy before the throne room. Give me God and nothing else. Just give me Him and it will be enough.
So why tell you all of this? Because this is a huge part of why I am still pursuing what I am pursuing. I will fail you. I will mess up and fall if you put me on a pedestal. I am only a human, but boy, do I long for every woman to live an imperfectly brave life.
So I keep writing. I keep praying that we are brave girls in His courts. I do believe our world needs Jesus more than ever before and we get to be the bringers of Him to our people. I’m doing this out of obedience. And nothing else. What are you doing out of obedience today? Tell me something good. My heart longs to hear…