My current view is so good. My one-and-a-half-year-old sees a basket fitting for her throne. My two-year-old can’t get enough of her daddy and my crazy goldendoodle finagles herself into every single situation of our family. My husband loves and adores me and finds the sweetest ways to remind me how much he is madly in love with me.
My life in my walls is so very good.
And yet, I have longed for more over the past several months and I have really wrestled with it all. Not more for my family per se, because I actually think that if given the opportunity they could hang the moon, but more in the dreams that rattle around in my heart. Dreams for Imperfectly Brave. Dreams for the future of my city. Dreams for the whole church.
So let’s start here. Some of the wrestle is healthy, but a majority of it is flat out unhealthy. The world has become very small, very quick on social media and it is so easy for me to look out past the horizon of small little boxes and gauge my potential versus someone else’s dream. And although I celebrate other women like crazy, there are moments where I wonder if my dream will ever come to fruition.
I wonder things like, is this all even worth it?
Am I really cut out for this?
Who am I to really believe that our whole nation could turn back to prayer and community?
Am I believing for nothing?
And I don’t think I am alone in this. Although I know that in Christ I am worthy, I am my own worst critic and easily let the world define who and what I amount to. And if you have ever been here, let’s just say this is a lousy feeling. When I am turning my head left to right and looking at all the others and comparing rather than celebrating, I can never pause long enough to gaze into God’s eyes.
Peter — the man after my own heart (seriously, maybe?) was walking and talking with Jesus. In this scene, Jesus just resurrected from the dead and reappeared to the disciples. While walking, Peter looks back at John (who must have been nearby) and asks Jesus about this man. Jesus looks at His guy, Peter, and says, “If it is my will that he remains until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!”
I can see Jesus stopping in the dirt and shifting his body to squarely fit Peter’s. I can see Him holding His shoulders. I can hear Jesus words passionately rise.
You follow me.
You guys, I think I just need to follow Jesus.
I think if I just follow Jesus I will fall more in love with my view. I’ll keep dreaming, mind you. I am a made dreamer. Optimistic to a fault. I believe in people so much that more often than not, my heart swells up so big that I could squeeze the living daylights out of most folks. This is my healthy part. I know who I am. I know the gifts I have been given. I know where my worth comes from (even when my heart doesn’t show it). I know that God has given direction to keep going. So I will keep going. This is healthy. To listen to God and obey.
So here is what I am resolving to in my current view. A little less unhealthy and a lot more healthy:
I am going to hustle for the dream and remain in the dirt with Jesus.
I am going to pause at my view in gratitude and run toward His throne with thankfulness.
I am going to keep begging God for the dream and keep asking for a patient heart.
I am going to plant mustard seeds and plant mustard seeds and plant mustard seeds.
I will not be afraid of getting dirt under my fingernails, but I will also not be afraid of being asked to stop digging and wait for water.
I am going to let Jesus look at me square on and rest His hands on my shoulders and say, You follow Me.
What about you? Are you ready to do the same?
Keep dreaming while enjoying your current view?
Do you know your unhealthy and your healthy parts?
Can you give them a good shake up in your prayer life? Giving them over to God and asking Him for a clearer mind.
You follow Me. Let’s cultivate gratefulness in the daily walking with the glorious Magnificent. Let’s be beggers and also gratituders. Let’s be weepers and song-bringers. Let’s be mourners and celebrators. Let’s be simple. Let’s be dreamers. Let’s follow God.
PS How do you handle this? How do you dream and wait all at the same time? I want to know…