It’s Holy Week and I should be feeling more than I’m feeling. I’m numb. I have walls up. I’ve cried tears but for all the wrong reasons. Selfish ambitions, hurt feelings,
Oh sensitive me, I wish you’d be washed away.
I’m not sure why the cross isn’t affecting me the way it should. God seems quiet lately. I’m looking to Him. I’m desperately trying to feel the cross on my shoulders. I’m praying repentance and still I feel
Maybe, this is all too honest for a pastor’s wife and an author of being brave. Maybe I shouldn’t disclose that a Bible teacher and passionate pursuer of the cross could ever feel this way.
But she can.
This week, this Holy Week I’m aching to rub any of the holiness of that old tree onto my dried-up skin. I’m coming to the water and the water even seems to be far — distant — the sand keeps tripping up my feet.
But maybe the sand is rubbing away the hard places.
So I’m finding myself in ways this week that I haven’t needed to in awhile. Ways like spending long and quiet moments in His creation, like looking at stars and staring at my babies. I’m slowing down long enough to linger in conversations; keeping my people close by because they feel good + comfortable + they know the real me and don’t hate who I am.
Because right now I don’t like who I am.
But, maybe this isn’t just me. Maybe you are dry, too. So for me and you, I’ve found a song that is keeping me holy in holy week even when I feel so far from the cross. Maybe we can listen to it together and remember. Because if we are honest, we don’t always feel like worshipping. We don’t always feel like praying. We don’t always feel God near.
Sometimes, He is quiet even though His presence remains the same.
So I am praying that you and I can let the sand rub across our hearts so that we soften just a bit. And then maybe these lyrics will become something inside of us again and we will all open wide our hearts and breathe in deep because our soul was made to take gulps of holy air.
And even if we don’t — it’s okay.
Because death was still arrested and we are still free.
If you want to follow this imperfect pursuit of being brave, join me over on my facebook page and the imperfectly brave family. You are welcome here. And if you are interested in joining an Imperfectly Brave prayer group, I can’t think of a braver thing to do. You will be changed + so will the many around you.